A few weeks ago I chatted with a grandmother that I had just met. Her daughter just gave birth to her second child. This grandmother asked me what I did for work. I told her that I taught 2nd grade for 4 years and once my son was born I decided to stay home with him. She asked me, "Why?" I told her, "I've always wanted to be a stay at home mom . It's important to me. It was really hard for me to go to work everyday and not be with my son. It was also exhausting being a full time teacher and mom. I found it hard to feel accomplished and successful in both areas."
After my comment the grandmother said, "Well, MY daughter IS a VERY hard worker. She is going to college, working, and now has two children." I showed her my amazement that her daughter was able to do all of that. I really am amazed at people that can balance all of that. Throughout our conversation it seemed like she thought I was a lazy person because I am "just" a stay at home mom.
In today's society it seems like people are very judgmental of other's decisions and life choices. Some people judge working mom's because they aren't with their children. Other's judge stay at home mom's because they don't have a fulfilling and successful career. The judgments can go on and on and on. I have had a full time job outside of the home as a single women, women with a boyfriend, engaged women, married women, and women with a child. I have also been a stay at home mom and a mom with a part time job (just a few hours a week). None of them are easy. They each come with the need for careful juggling and balance. No matter what stage you are in your life, things are difficult. You can't judge how women choose to work. Everyone has different life circumstances, finances, and opportunities.
I taught 2nd grade for four full years. Right before my first year of teaching I went on my first date with an amazing guy who is now my husband. He was a student at Brigham Young University. A year and a half later we were married. We have been married for 3 1/2 years now and he is still a student. Being married to a college student isn't always the easiest. My husband spends long hours studying and attending school. With his heavy and vigorous work load he isn't able to work. We have decided that it is best for him to get done as quick as possible and then he can work. I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom. I never considered any other options. When I was pregnant with my son and my husband was still in school the decision to be a stay at home mom became more difficult to make. I knew I wanted to stay at home with my son, but with my husband being a student it worried me. I wasn't sure if this goal of ours was plausible. However, I couldn't even imagine having to go to work everyday and send my precious little one to a babysitter or daycare. After lots of considerations, research, and talking with family and friends we decided stop teaching and for me to stay home with our little one. I started my 5th year teaching a month before my due date. Two weeks after the first day of school, our precious son Rylan was born. I took my maternity leave for a few months and then returned back to school to teach for a month. I finished being a 2nd grade teacher right before Christmas break and became a full time mommy. I know, this seems crazy. Why did I start a new school year to only teach for a short period? I had to in order for my insurance to cover medical bills.
Being a full time mom is awesome! It is so great to be able to watch my child learn and grow; to be with him every step of the way. I love to take him different places and allow him to explore, make friends, and experience the world. I am able to feel like I can get household chores done, without being overly exhausted. Being a stay at home mom has always been my top priority. I knew that's what I wanted to do when my children were young. However, while on maternity leave and now that I am a stay at home mom, I realized that it isn't as great as it may always seem. Sometimes having to spend all the time with your children can be exhausting. It can be hard to get quality "me time." It can also get monotonous doing the same household chores. There are days when I don't want to have to scrub the floor under my son's highchair one more time. Being a stay at home with young children, you don't get as much interaction with other adults. You also don't get much positive feedback on how you are doing. As a stay at home mom, that positive feedback isn't the same as working.
Being a full time worker and mom is exhausting. I found benefits to being able to work while having a baby. Besides the benefit of having a paycheck, you get a "break" from mommy duties, get some positive feedback from outside the home, and get daily social interactions with others. It is so exhausting though and difficult emotionally. It's hard to give 100 % focus on your paid job, when your mind continually wants to focus on your children. It's hard having to wake up extra early to get yourself ready, kids ready, drop them off somewhere else, go to work, pick kids up, make dinner, do a few household chores, and spend time with your children. Oh ya, good luck finding a few moments for yourself. I remember often falling asleep at like 7 pm holding my baby. It was tiring. I loved my job as a teacher and I loved my baby. I didn't love having to balance them both. Some people are much better at this balancing act.
Being a full time mommy and being able to go to work a few hours each week is refreshing and perfect. I was able to spend quality time with my son everyday. My husband was home for me to work a few hours. I had the chance to get out of the house and have some interaction with others, feel accomplished and get a little bit of money. I didn't have to feel any guilt leaving my child as he got some great alone time with daddy. I don't have a chance to currently work, but I now volunteer outside the home a little each week. It's the same feeling, without a paycheck :)
Whether you are a stay at home mom, full time working mom, or part time working mom I admire all of you. There is nothing easy about being a mom or paid employee. We need to judge less and love more. We need to appreciate what other women are positively doing. If a mom chooses to work so that her children can have clothes to wear and food to eat, awesome! If a mom chooses to stay home to raise her children, fantastic. If a mom has enough money to live on her husband's paycheck, but chooses to work because she becomes a better mom when she get some time outside the home, wonderful! Let's support other mom's and help lift them up. Motherhood is such a fulfilling, but difficult type of work. Celebrate mom's and the good they are doing in this world!
What are your thoughts?
This is beautifully written, Lindsay. You have expressed your feelings and thoughts so well. As one who has worked outside the home, as well as a stay at home mom, I agree with you: being home with your children is the best for me. I, too, loved to watch them grow and learn and be there to nurture them every step of the way. Good job!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading Kelli. You are an amazing mom to your kids.
DeleteGreat post and beautifully written! I am a stay at home mom and I LOVE it! I feel so busy and feel like I do accomplish so much. And most important I get to be with my boys every day and see all their accomplishments and be their #1 teacher and example. I feel like some people do look down at stay-at-home mom's but there is no reason for that. There is NOTHING more important than being there for your children.
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading this post Becky. I love your thoughts you shared and agree with you 100%.
DeleteLIke you, I've been through lots of phases. Currently I work part-time, grad school part-time, AND I'm a mom. And it is exhausting. I've also been home full time and worked from home part time. And it was exhausting too! I can't imagine ever being home full time because I go crazy - I'm not good at self-imposed structure to my day, I do much better when I have to get up and be somewhere. But I can't imagine enjoying my life if I had to leave my child for the entire day 5 days a week either. Each woman needs to find her balance and feel confident in her decision. I think so many women feel anxious or uncomfortable and so then defensive or judgmental things are said that hurt other moms who have other circumstances. I think the best we can do is say "this works for me, I hope you find something that works for you" and be grateful we have choices. Not all women have choices. They are more constrained by their circumstances.
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting Anna. I was going crazy to just staying home. So everyday we have an outing and I have formed a playgroup.
DeleteI totally agree with everything you said! I am a stay at home mom and started staying home while my husband was still at school (also at BYU). And now he works full time and teaches seminary part time to try to become a seminary teacher full time as his career. So I never see my husband and take care of the kids all day by myself. I want to get out of the house alone, but I can't and when I get a chance I'm so exhausted from taking care of the kids and being pregnant that I don't even want to anymore! Anyway, it's frustrating when people don't think you do enough if you're a stay at home mom. Trust me, I do plenty. But I also think if you want to work as a mom that's fine too! Being a stay at home mom is a priority to me and that's what I wanted to do. Women should just support each other for being moms because less and less women are even becoming that.
ReplyDeleteTotally understand Alexis. I loved the comments you made. It's hard getting time to go out having one kid while my husband is in school. I can't imagine soon to be 3 kids and a husband in school. You're amazing.
DeleteI have so often felt people from the professional world kind of stick their nose up at me for making the choice to stay home and raise my daughter. And I totally agree, it's NOT as easy as it sounds. But I wouldn't stand for it being any other way. My child(ren) need their mom to give them love and nurturing and confidence... and to teach them the values I hold so dear. No one else can take my place, and so I won't let them. ;) While I understand why some women choose to go back to work, the few former coworkers I've talked to have always told me they wish they could be like me and figure out a way to be with their children full-time. My heart breaks for those women who have no other option but to go back to work. Anyway, loved this post, and totally agree! We should all just stop judging each other and praise each other for the duties we perform--whether they're inside or outside the home!
ReplyDeleteMegan, thanks for always commenting on my posts. I loved your comments you made.
DeleteWonderful post! I have been married for 30 years and have 8 children. I have worked full time, part time, during the day, in the evenings, 3 part time jobs at one time, supported the family on my own, babysat for neighbors, worked from home, been a stay at home mom and they all had their different challenges. Sometimes we have a choice in our circumstances and sometimes we don't. We need to judge less and support more. I've become more understanding as I have aged and have realized that most of us try to do our best in the situations we find ourselves in. It can be a daily struggle to find balance, we just try to do the best for our family.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing Leanne. Great comment from an experienced mom :)
ReplyDeleteWe all have different situations, no doubt. Some mother's do better having a job/career and some mothers do better staying at home. I was a nanny for a few families before I had my own children, some mothers were working mothers, some were not (not sure why they needed a nanny) but I was and still I'm glad that I had the opportunity to be a part of those families :) When I meet my husband, I wanted to quit my job and help him with his children, but I had to support myself. My last nanny job, gave me the opportunity to bring my first born to work, which was perfect for us. When more babies came, I became a stay at home mom and like you, I could not see myself leaving my children to go and work outside the home, Later on my husband could no longer work and even though my utmost desire was and is to be at home, I am glad that I had the chance to be with my children when they were babies :) and I feel very blessed that one of us has been able to be at home. I love the weekends not because I don't have to work since a probably work harder, but because I get to experience being at home and pretend that I am a stay at home mom ;) I think that for each specific family there is a specific solution. And the solution should feel right. Lindsay, you might have some faults, (not that I know of any), but if I know something about you is that you are NOT lazy. I know it's easier said than done, but you shouldn't let that upset you. It just goes to show that the things we say when we don't know all the facts can hurt someone very bad. One great thing about you is that YOU would never judge some one like that, and that is a great thing! :) You guys are a great family, no doubt!
ReplyDeleteI think you're an awesome Mom, Lindsay. Everybody does what is right for their family. D and I have switched roles many times. Or both worked. Its hard. Usually I just pick up extra jobs on the side for extra $. But that's what works for us! Now that B is in 1st grade I'm looking for PT work to offset some bills. Been hard to explain why I havent had full time work for 6 years. Lol
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